Fathers

In light of the #metoo movement, it may be posited that dads are insignificant in this thing called family. Fathers are the flint in that spark creating children all over the world. Some of these fathers become chief, cook, and bottle washer with single dads becoming part of the fabric of life. Just as many dads disappear into the night or become invisible to the daunting task of child rearing.

Truth is, women are the species that carry that little spark for the better part of a year. They go through excruciating pain and an almost death-like experience in bringing the child into the fold. Once here, the children remain tied to the new mother for sustenance. She provides care, nurturing, love and all those things that appear magically with the bonding of mother and child. Indeed, having a day to celebrate men depositing their seed seems less impressive than what mothers bring to the table. With so many deadbeat dads out there, dads who are there in name only, why have a father’s day?

When I was young, I had a father. I’m told he was good to me and cared a great deal for my well being. When the marriage dissolved, I’ve also been told he would have taken full custody of all four children he had sired. But for the culture of the times, norms of the day, this wasn’t possible.

I’m not so sure I believe that would have happened, but it’s a noble intention. Intentions, noble or not, aren’t commitments and it never happened. The tit for tat in a marriage gone flat generally supersedes any attempts at doing what’s best for the child. Back then, mothers, unless deemed unfit by the courts, would almost always retain custody. Children need their mothers far more than anything the father can give. Such were the times.

In subsequent years, my mother met, fell in love and got married. The man became an instant father to four children and never questioned his role. An enlisted boy in the army, my stepfather knew little the role of being a father, especially times four. This was an awesome task that he both failed and succeeded at many times over. The biological father living in the next town over added to the dilemma.

Suffice to say, myself and my siblings were constantly confused and troubled by this thing called fatherhood. At various times, each of the children took turns at disparaging the notion of even having a father. The view was clouded. Love one and hate the other? Would we ever be told why two fathers were in our lives? Our reaction, most of the time, was to allow the two to cancel each other out. In a manner of speaking, with no clear understanding of fatherhood, we fought against both father and stepfather.

When I got married, it wasn’t because I had to. I fell in love with a woman I was determined to build my life with. She was the woman I wanted to have children with. Having children is one thing fathers are exceptional at and I didn’t disappoint. In a relatively short space of time, four children were brought into this world. I, too, had no guidebook, no mother-to-child bonding inherent in my genes and basically no idea what I was doing. The one thing I did know is that I was determined not repeat the mistakes of my fathers. At least that was my mindset.

As it turns out, I made plenty of mistakes with my own children. I settled into a life of hard work with many hours away from child rearing duties. After the cute stage of infancy fades and the real learning begins, I was prone to yelling and negative reinforcement. Impatient with a child who didn’t learn the rules, I wished for the hardship of raising children to go away. Luckily, my wife was resolute in the other direction. She poured every ounce of her being into giving the children a good life.

The good news is that the love for my wife keeps me grounded. Our love together binds my involvment and I want to do my part to keep the family going strong. My children’s lives and me being a part of that overshadows any confusion about my own fathers.

Plainly speaking, it takes two. This tango of life has many complications and back-breaking journeys each one of us as individuals must make. However, the notion of family is likely one of the most difficult to master.  For those raising children on their own, the task must be extremely daunting and I feel for the pain. I cannot speak to the adoption process that allows same-sex couples to raise a child. Simply put, I don’t know the dynamics of those relationships. While I have no judgment towards this arrangement, it is something I haven’t experienced first hand. For the purposes of this story, I can only reference the traditional union of man and woman.

For me, it has become crystal clear…raising children demands the involvement of all parties. Moms and Dads both do what they can and each must bring their best to the table. Moms, for the biblical pain they must endure, the constant drain on their lives, the burden is heavy. Yet, the challenge to sustain and develop their offspring is all baggage they must learn to carry.

In the traditional role of family, Dads are different in what they offer. Today’s dad must learn new ways of communication and sharing that in a male-dominated society hasn’t been the norm.  Yet, here is the key. It is not what one gender brings to the equation. Two people must commit to work together so they may bring the child to fruition. They must embrace the obligation to raise that child with all the education, love, social skills, and desire for life they can.

I certainly hope Mother’s Day was good for all you mothers out there. For those of you pulling more than your fair share of the burden in a family situation, keep trying. Fathers, you too deserve a day of celebration, of honor. Sure, many of you are deadbeat dads way behind on your child support, imparting only negativity to your offspring. Many of you dads, though, get it. You understand the magic of raising a child depends on more than a notion. The walking, pushing, pulling, dragging, cajoling, pleading and otherwise propelling children into adulthood is difficult. With hard work, they will become responsible, fully functioning adults. The work is borne of love and a commitment between two people to do what’s right.

Children? Well, at times they’re simply overrated, but that’s a different story.